The World According to Evie

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We Tried To Make a Man Out Of Justin Bieber. We Failed.

Justin Bieber is We sent the perfect guy for the job: GQ contributor and Deadspin columnist Drew Magary. Justin Bieber had just turned 18 years old, and we thought it was high time someone put him through some rites of passage. We tried everything. Little did Drew know, we effectively sent him on a mission doomed from the start. Click here for the full story.

On Tuesday, I was told that I could meet Bieber at his recording studio and then we’d hash out whatever manly activity was left for us once we ruled out anything fun. I got there at 8 p.m. and was told by Bieber’s PR lady that Justin was in the studio but was about to go to dinner with his mom and I’d have to wait till he got back.

“So he’s here now?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“Can I see him?”

“No.”

“Can I go to dinner with him and his mom? I’ll eat light.”

“No. He’ll be back in an hour.”

To keep me occupied, I was escorted into the studio, where Kuk Harrell, Bieber’s vocal producer, was working on Believe without him. Harrell is an incredibly nice man who looks like a black version of Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka, so I was happy to sit around and stare at his hair for a while.

After a few minutes, I noticed that someone had drawn a bunch of dicks all over the grease board by the door. So I pointed at them and asked, “Hey, who drew all the dicks?” One of the sound engineers immediately jumped up, ran over, and erased them with his sleeve. This is the new and mature Bieber. We can’t have dicks being drawn all over the place. People might get the wrong idea about filthy-rich 18-year-old pop stars.

At eight forty, the PR lady came in to tell me—surprise!—Bieber would not be returning tonight. Finally, after I sat in my hotel room for another day and ran through as many imaginary conversations with the Beeb as any of his 12-year-old fangirls, word came down from the mountaintop: I would meet Bieber at his studio at 6 p.m. that night and we would box. Given all of our suggestions that had been rejected, this made no sense. Well, we can’t have Justin openly buying pornography—why don’t we just endanger his singing voice and orbital bone structure instead? But only a fool would argue. If someone asks you if you’d like to punch Justin Bieber in the face, the answer is yes.